Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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