You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
