I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
