I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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