I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
