Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
