the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
