It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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