he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
