my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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