I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
