Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
