I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
