My boss' voice literally gives me gas
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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