i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
