I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
