I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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