Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
