I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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