i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
