You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you didnt know i had herpes?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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