I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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