Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize