I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
