I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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