hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
