He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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