that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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