Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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