there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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