Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
