Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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