ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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