Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
