Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
