its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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