She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
