you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I understand Curling. That high.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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