It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
