Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
