i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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