Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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