this beer tastes like vomit already
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
