Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
