1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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