A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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