Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize