The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
