why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize