my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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