I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
