dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Randomize
