so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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