but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
