bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize