Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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