So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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