2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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