Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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