i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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