So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
