If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
